Ehhh.....I beg to differ. The "seeking out friendships" part has been getting to me recently. It's not that I don't like my friends, or don't have any friends...I do! I have amazing friends! Both in "real life" and on the internet. I love my internet friends just as much as I do my "IRL" friends. I just wish I was a little less weird sometimes.
I mean c'mon. Look at me. I'm a total geek who lives on the internet, has multiple relationships with multiple fictional characters, enjoys watching sappy movies as well as movies that would normally be classified as a "boy movie", a writer, a fan of country music, a dancer and I play viola. How many of those sound normal to you? (if you're my twin, don't say all of them, you do not count. XD)
Who is going to want to be friends with, talk to, or even acknowledge someone like that? Someone who is usually too shy to even make eye contact with other people her age, but can talk to adults without a problem, and teach little kids even easier. Someone who either stays to herself, awkwardly ignoring everyone, or is sitting by herself at the co-op lunch room because her mom was late to pick her up. Someone like me.
I don't always come off as socially awkward, especially on the internet. In "real life"though.....I just can't handle being with other people my age. Other teenagers who are either my age, younger than me, or older than me, I don't do well with. If they're younger, they're usually incredibly immature and hard to keep good conversation with (this isn't judging all younger kids, just some.) And older kids are usually far too cliquey, not wanting anyone or anything else inside their own private little circle of friends. It's hard to meet new people if they don't even notice you exist.
Lately, my best friend (Maryanna) has been trying to get me interested in sitting with the other kids from our group at P.E. This includes a few girls, a ton of guys, and a lot of awkward social tension on my end. I can't seem to make the connection. I am so much better off with younger kids, and adults. My dad says it's normal for me to be awkward with other people my age...because I'm a teenager and at this point in time, everyone is growing and changing and it's not really our faults. My mother, however, has zero sympathy for me, and accuses me of judging others. I am judging. Not mean judging, but you judge all the time. If the chair is wet, you judge that it's not fit for you to sit in. If there is no milk in the refrigerator, you judge that someone else drank it before you could. (stupid analogies, but you get my point.)
I'm not judging cruelly, by looks, or even by the words people speak. As my mother always says, Actions Speak Louder Than Words. I will admit to judging by actions. Is that person good at that sport? Are they nice to the girls? Are they nice to their friends? Do they use bad language? Are they polite? Etc, etc, etc. If the person has poor behavior, than it's my place in my own self to judge what I think about it, and what I should do associating with them. Are they the kind of person that I should be hanging out with?
Now here is where I get confused. Maryanna seems to be having trouble with being "invisible". Especially around guys. I honestly DO.NOT.CARE. if guys notice I exist. Remembering my name now and then would be nice (HELLO I AM WEARING A NAMETAG!), but I don't want them to be giving me their undivided attention or anything like that. When the right guy comes into my life, I'll be ready and waiting. Until then, I don't mind being slightly invisible.
More than judging others, I judge myself. I judge what others will look at. What a nerd I am, my clothes, my interests, my taste in music, my taste in movies, everything.
......
I like Star Wars, which is automatically assumed by the majority of the human race to be a nerdy thing to like. The fact that I live, eat, breath, wear, share, quote, watch, am obsessed with Star Wars doesn't help that. At all.
I am not even gonna say all the times that I've been mocked by my love of country music. Apparently that's weird? Wrong? I don't see why....
Viola? What's a viola? Isn't it just a big violin? What's the difference? I'll show you the difference.
I write? For FUN? I talk about my writing? I care more about characters than I do other people? I am spaced out when playing sports because I'm thinking about my story? What. A. Freak.
.....
I like Star Wars. And Avengers. I understand the comics, and the books, and the movies, and the games. I can relate to boys and girls of all ages, and I have connected with people unlike any other. It's an awesome feeling to be so excited by something and then meet someone who likes it just as much as you do. I can talk to most grown men, having intellectual conversations with them, and even impress them with my knowledge. I don't let my "geekiness" hold me back from being bold about my fandoms. I'll wear my Captain America shirt in public, proudly and my Her Universe shirt with even more pride. I am a fangirl! Hear me roar!!!
Country music? I LOVE country music! I know all the words to most of all the songs! I can sing Brad Paisley like a pro, and belt out Carrie Underwood extremely off key and no where near her amazing voice, but I do it with joy and with pride. Luke Bryan, Josh Turner, Brad Paisley, The Band Perry, Rodney Atkins, Blake Shelton, Miranda Lambert, Lady Antebellum.....these are my artists and bands. Not Lady Gaga or Katy Perry, these people have good souls, good hearts for God, and they aren't afraid to show it. :)
What's a Viola? Only the best instrument ever! It's unique, it's pitched lower than the violin! It's deeper, richer and harder to play! I have to dig into that thing....it's making me stronger. I'm learning to play like a professional, so that someday, I might be one. I can play Indiana Jones, Star Wars, ET, Superman and other themes in a heartbeat. I am learning the classics, Handel, Beethoven, Dvorak, Mozart! I am a violist, and I'm proud!
I write. I write for FUN. I LOVE to write. It is my passion! I'm not ashamed!!! It's the most thrilling feeling to get lost in your character's dialogue so much that 1000 words later you can go back and read your work with such excitement at what you've written. I've written two novels. TWO. How many kids my age can say that? Not many. I weave tales all the time. I have thoughts going through my brain too often about how much I love to read, and how i love to write, and how I just want to get back home to my computer so I can finish this chapter or finish this paragraph. I'll stay up to the early hours of the morning, writing. People asked at P.E. why I was so tired Thursday morning. I told them that I was up until 3:30am. "What?!?" they exclaim, "Doing what?!!" I respond with "Writing." and their confused expression is priceless. ;)
I'm an author. I love what I do. I love to write, and I thank God for that gift every day. I am proud.
......
Don't be afraid of being yourself!!!!! To Thine Own Self Be True.
You are cool. You are awesome. You don't need anyone to tell you that but yourself. God already knows it, so woman (or man) up and tell YOURSELF this! Who cares what other people think? I sure don't!!! I am 100% fine with being a nerd/geek/loser/weirdo/dork. I am! I am happy with my "boy movies". I'm happy with my "lame country-hick music". I'm happy with my viola, with my dance, with my writing. With my life.
I am happy. I am fulfilled. I am loved.
I don't need to be popular, or cool, or liked by other people my age. I'm okay with my friends that I have. With my best friends, Maryanna and my best friend/cousin Ember. We'll be weird together. I'm okay with my internet buddies....they understand me, and they care about me! What else do I need? A little human interaction here and there would be nice...but I am no where near concerned about being "socialized". No, I don't like other people my age. I still feel really weird, and problematic, and awkward, but I know in my heart, and in my soul that I am the Daughter of a King who is greater than ALL of that. He created me, to be me. I shouldn't let anyone, ANYONE, hold me back from what my God has in store for me.
God Bless, and stay weird! :D
